September 23. 2021
I am feeling it, the pull of the gravity or the waxing moon. my head a little feeling like a pillow growing inside. Don't be alarmed, it is not that. I am purposely taking myself to another level that I can only get into sometimes. Listening to David Gilmor of the Pink Floyd seems to not interfere with my downward mood.
I have a friend, actually more than one friend. I have a friend who has a son that can not control something happening in his brain and the doctors can not figure it out. I have another acquaintance, I am on loss of conscientiousness watch with him. I kind of wonder why because he seems to have no apparent will to live. To me, he is interfering with my time, but I had to determine that I had to let him. Someone has to watch him when his house mates are working or doing something else. I don't think that the lack of will to live sometimes is a conscious effort, but something subconscious. But if one is not the person with the lack of will to live. I mean, why would he would he want to watch fantasy sci fi movies more than one time and perhaps having read the book. That is what he was doing this morning and he is at his lowest ebb that I have ever seen him.
I was so out of it between the ages of 8 and 35. That is what, 27 years of unawares. That is to long of a time to not be conscious of what I was doing. The alcohol and the drugs were not helping me at all even though I thought I was under control. Getting in fights caused by my own behavior. I am struggling with the time lines of 1969-1978, that is 9 years. Some of it I know. In 1969 I was working at Ridge Vineyard in the cellar with my friend David Overacker and I stayed in a trailer for part of that time, further up the road and had to tie the small trailer to a tree the wind was so fierce sometimes. But also, it seems in 1970 I moved to Aptos CA and also lived in Soquel CA until maybe 1971, 1972. We had split from David and lived with Fred's sister Diane and built a Geodesic Dome behind her house having procured wood where they were building the Sears store on 41st Ave. I chickened out of helping loading the wood, had them drop me off at the corner of 41st and the street right past the freeway exit as I recollect and a good thing I did, because when they were procuring the wood, the police patrol as I recollect stopped me and were checking my I D. I am not sure why I was not held for probation violation. I think I moved there while I was still on probation for creating a public disturbance and being a menace to society, like Arlo Guthrie.
I am reviewing this on May 16, 2023 and discovered I need to do something and that something is post this. Because, who else would read it but I. An ADHD person still fumbling through life. Still operating a school bus and quite effectively I might add picking up kiddo's some of who are somewhat like I was back in my early days, incapable of paying attention to adults or rebelling against the school bus operator. And notice, not driver which is a demeaning description because almost anyone can be trained to drive a bus, but we are operators because we don't just drive the bus, we manage children too, teach them how to ride safely. We need to change the public's perceptions on our job descriptions and abilities. We are safety specialists and we need that to describe what we do.
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