Instincts of a predator, thoughts of a human....

predator |ˈpredətər|

noun

an animal that naturally preys on others : wolves are major predators of rodents

• figurative a rapacious, exploitative person or group : her wealth made her vulnerable to predators.

• figurative a company that tries to take over another.

ORIGIN 1920s: from Latin praedator ‘plunderer,’ from praedat- ‘seized as plunder,’ from the verb praedari (see predation ).

It is kind of creepy to think that I am a predator, looking for that person who might be a good catch.  I am not hunting for food, just the rush, from the hunt, the anticipation, the endorphins. I am actually not sure what I will do if I catch up to the person. People can change and pursue other roles.   I have recognized the rush now for a couple of years, yet still have allowed it to trigger me into thinking maybe I could engage with a person after the chase is over. This happened recently but after about a month of emails, phone calls, texting and an airline and motel reservation to meet in person, I was dropped like a hot rock! I have chased in the hope that we would stop and explore the possibilities, finding similarities and differences drawing us closer, looking towards a long term goal for mutual enrichment.  

I spend a lot of time in my mind, a little time in others minds through reading.  My life is made of fantasy, dreams, the chase, hard work, chaos. The chase has become less important. It has yielded little over the long term.  There is more too. I get bored describing myself as it seems so self centered. I am here, I am human.  It seems most run for cover when they sense a predator coming their way. Maybe I have been running from myself.   I have recognized my predatory instincts and they are real, but now because I think of them, since they are unmasked it seems easier for me reveal them. It has taken a lot of time.  When we think of something, a thought, an idea, it is hard to deny it's existence any longer. Pulling away the denial it seems. The denial is a lie that we keep within us, buried until it becomes to irritating or painful to ignore any longer. Cause and affect. 

I accept my lot now and am biding my time, working towards my last great goal. That is the goal to have the means and funds to travel about the countryside visiting with people I have yet to meet and those I have established relationships of mutual benefit with in the not to distant past. Maybe I will be writing about my travels, however, I am not a travel writer as I have seen others to do, lost in their own small world of pleasure and trying to lift themselves above the muck! Or putting all that I have written about my life over time into the bonfire or perhaps a couple of chapters. Maybe when they hear me coming, they will run and lock their doors.  Maybe they will recognize me as a friend, from the words I have used, not the words that I have kept hidden for so long. 

No Escape

All my troubles will be over soon. Someone has planted a bomb under my little house. There is a note on my door, it says Boom if you leave your little house or notify authorities it will detonate.You have been talking to much to the wrong people. You are a troublemaker and need to be eliminated! I would be perhaps lucky if I got no notice and was just killed without a clue. No one will put time and resources into an investigation if I am labeled as an enemy of society. All my little troubles will be nothing compared to this BOOM. I am sorry for my little cat, perhaps she is collateral damage and perhaps the little house that my friends built and rented to me. Or perhaps their house or the people walking by on the street when the bomb goes off. Collateral damage or maybe they will say they just found a dangerous terrorist and he was neutralized. No one else was hurt! Just like they are saying in Yemen, Afghanistan and Iraq where our government is zeroing in on suspected terrorists and some American citizens and neutralizing them without due process. Our government has been killing others for a long time. The people that formed our government, who orchestrated a revolt against those who first and second invaded this continent have carried on an attack against others it turns out for profit, just like those they revolted against so long ago. It is a dangerous road and there are no turn arounds in sight. They are using cruise missiles and UAV's in our name that are armed with laser guided missiles controlled remotely by young soldiers and airmen who go home every night to their families after destroying families far, far away. Soon the government will be targeting people in the USA and saying the people did it to themselves because they were terrorists. Just like they did to Judi Bari and Darryl Cherney, the activists who were blown up in their car in Oakland Ca. about 1997.  If we de-humanize people, ordinary people  into terrorists, people who kill we will continue to allow our government to keep killing without answer for these crimes.  Just as my death will pass unnoticed or people will say, "OMG, I didn't know he was a terrorist! And he drove a school bus, was he planning on killing children? If that is the case, he deserved what he got, I can't believe it!"