Heavy, cold, dark, unmoving. I am the stillness, unmoving. I am wet and hard with features, sharpness. A deep feeling, not moving but a sensation all around me.
Darkness is everywhere. I don't know anything else, nothing matters when it is dark. The weight, is heavy, the weight is pressure from every side. Darkness.
There is a sound. What is sound, a vibration, dark, low moving through me, pushing through me. What is me, how do I anything? What do I know, deep, dark, pressure without movement.
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
I would be insane if it wasn't for my sobriety and how I learned to process my feelings.....
Processing my feelings, what a concept! I didn't spend that long really stuffing my feelings, but did so with an intensity that left an indelible mark on who I am and how I process my thoughts about myself. I am working on processing some disturbing feelings about how I relate to others, especially my feelings around women and how I attempt to interact with those I am interested in.
Of course, admitting my inner most feelings could be considered a betrayal to myself, but I can't afford therapy or don't want to investigate who I am with some sick SOB who became a therapist because they were disturbed about their own feelings. This is essentially how trusting I am of others that call themselves therapists. I have been working for a long time, longer than I was stuffing my feelings, to understand them. I think I have done pretty well in understanding myself. I am a guy, CISS Male who prefers the pronouns him and he. I am older now chronologically, but my mind is still locked at about 35. All my friends are getting older and I am too. Of course I didn't realize that for a long time and perhaps that is whey my mind has remained at 35. Of course, I have discovered more people like myself who feel the same, body getting older, mind still at 35. Age and the perception of aging is so out of whack. I think people don't have that much time to process feelings unless they are so healthy mentally I can not comprehend when going about out daily lives. It is only when we slow down and have time, make time, let time overcome us that we can really look at our feelings. Most of the time we are numb to how we feel. Even when none has worked on and identified ones feelings do they tend to get lost and pushed back from all the stress of more pressing matters and routines.
Of course, admitting my inner most feelings could be considered a betrayal to myself, but I can't afford therapy or don't want to investigate who I am with some sick SOB who became a therapist because they were disturbed about their own feelings. This is essentially how trusting I am of others that call themselves therapists. I have been working for a long time, longer than I was stuffing my feelings, to understand them. I think I have done pretty well in understanding myself. I am a guy, CISS Male who prefers the pronouns him and he. I am older now chronologically, but my mind is still locked at about 35. All my friends are getting older and I am too. Of course I didn't realize that for a long time and perhaps that is whey my mind has remained at 35. Of course, I have discovered more people like myself who feel the same, body getting older, mind still at 35. Age and the perception of aging is so out of whack. I think people don't have that much time to process feelings unless they are so healthy mentally I can not comprehend when going about out daily lives. It is only when we slow down and have time, make time, let time overcome us that we can really look at our feelings. Most of the time we are numb to how we feel. Even when none has worked on and identified ones feelings do they tend to get lost and pushed back from all the stress of more pressing matters and routines.
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