Thanks for possibly hanging around

Today is June 16 2024

I have proven myself to be consistently inconsistent. Yes and it is because of my Neurodivergent brain, something that was never understood until probably into the 1970’s as I had been groomed in my school days by educators  for ending up my life in a prison.  Were they using the worst case scenerio to freighten me away from that career path that would take me to that end or what?  A wonderful thought eh? That is what my teachers and school administrators and the police whom I was also groomed to get into trouble with. But it did not happen, although it could have easily happened if I had not somehow been under the influence of divine intervention. Let me repeat that, somehow I was saved from a life in prison as I did move into that direction after my school years yet on several occasions I dodged consequences including a time in court where my public defender made a deal with the prosecutor to move my conviction to something like 5 years of probation from 2 years in prison. When the judge asked me how I plead, I had a feeling and plead Not Guilty which threw them all off the two attorneys being called before the judge. They were then directed to sit down and my case was dismissed!  Yep I believe in something like that because I some how managed to avoid prison. 

So, I was going through my bookmarks because I am going to surgery on Thursday and am a little freaked out by it and I am looking to add something to my blog which may or may not be read by some friendly strangers one or two. Or maybe no one at all. 

Well laproscopic hernia surgery and they have to be careful with me as I am 3/4 of a century old and take blood thinners which I am being weaned down from and then it is my responsibility to shoot myself in the gut with a syringe to bring my level up to one they consider safe. And of course they are going to put me under, count backwards from ten, nine eight snore. 

Has anything changed since the last time I wrote, yes may things have changed and schools out for summer. Still driving a school bus and intend to drive for Trackers Earth ( that didn’t happen because of surgery recovery and other issues.) this summer before going down to visit my oldest sister in CA and Mt. Shasta and a couple of really good friends whom I missed living up here in Oregon. And of course there is now a woman almost in my life that has caused me to make some changes and I like those changes and the addition of her almost in my life and I almost in hers. She is a little shy, but we are working through that and I have had trouble telling her something,, but finally spit them out and it is ok. Yay. So that is it for now. Hopefully I will remember to come back and give a report after my surgery. 

And back I am.  I had the surgery and the anesthetic was effective for two days after the surgery. That allowed me to move around, got the store and buy a box of candy for the surgery group as a thank you. But as soon as that wore off, the pain was almost as bad a a kidney stone. It got better and I don’t know what I was expecting because I was back on 1000 mg of Acetamenophen a couple times a day and before that I took some opiates only total of 3. Took the unused to the drug drop at the pharmacy because I did not want them hanging around. So I just past week 4 and in week 5 of recovery and it is a lot slower than I imagined. 

I am back in the gym, been back about the second week and doing mild leg presses which is part of the reason I have been using a cane much of the last 9 months of so. As soon as my right leg is back to full muscle strength, I think I may be able to get rid of the cane, that is my plan. 

It is Dec. 26 now and I am out of the gym, quitting as not being able to get behind a routine, to much abuse as a youngster and teen ager. I was bullied all that while by gym teachers and student bullies. It just did not seem worthwhile to me to endure mental frustration. We are out now for winter break and I intend to see if I can get unemployment or what. 

down, down, taking my consciounses down......

September 23. 2021

 

I am feeling it, the pull of the gravity or the waxing moon. my head a little feeling like a pillow growing inside. Don't be alarmed, it is not that. I am purposely taking myself to another level that I can only get into sometimes. Listening to David Gilmor of the Pink Floyd seems to not interfere with my downward mood. 

I have a friend, actually more than one friend. I have a friend who has a son that can not control something happening in his brain and the doctors can not figure it out. I have another acquaintance, I am on loss of conscientiousness watch with him. I kind of wonder why because he seems to have no apparent will to live. To me, he is interfering with my time, but I had to determine that I had to let him. Someone has to watch him when his house mates are working or doing something else. I don't think that the lack of will to live sometimes is a conscious effort, but something subconscious. But if one is not the person with the lack of will to live. I mean, why would he would he want to watch fantasy sci fi movies more than one time and perhaps having read the book. That is what he was doing this morning and he is at his lowest ebb that I have ever seen him.

I was so out of it between the ages of 8 and 35. That is what, 27 years of unawares. That is to long of a time to not be conscious of what I was doing. The alcohol and the drugs were not helping me at all even though I thought I was under control. Getting in fights caused by my own behavior. I am struggling with the time lines of 1969-1978, that is 9 years. Some of it I know. In 1969 I was working at Ridge Vineyard in the cellar with my friend David Overacker and I stayed in a trailer for part of that time, further up the road and had to tie the small trailer to a tree the wind was so fierce sometimes.  But also, it seems in 1970 I moved to Aptos CA and also lived in Soquel CA until maybe 1971, 1972. We had split from David and lived with Fred's sister Diane and built a Geodesic Dome behind her house  having procured wood where they were building the Sears store on 41st Ave. I chickened out of helping loading the wood, had them drop me off at the corner of 41st and the street right past the freeway exit as I recollect and a good thing I did, because when they were procuring the wood, the police patrol as I recollect stopped me and were checking my I D. I am not sure why I was not held for probation violation. I think I moved there while I was still on probation for creating a public disturbance and being a menace to society, like Arlo Guthrie.

I am reviewing this on May 16, 2023 and discovered I need to do something and that something is post this. Because, who else would read it but I. An ADHD person still fumbling through life. Still operating a school bus and quite effectively I might add  picking up kiddo's some of who are somewhat like I was back in my early days, incapable of paying attention to adults or rebelling against the school bus operator. And notice, not driver which is a demeaning description because almost anyone can be trained to drive a bus, but we are operators because we don't just drive the bus, we manage children too, teach them how to ride safely. We need to change the public's perceptions on our job descriptions and abilities. We are safety specialists and we need that to describe what we do.

 

Challenges in these times Monday March 23,l 2020,

The abyss, deeper..... darker.... damaged.... dangling.....the cliff is hanging and it is talking to me. How can....what is....deeper.....sunshine....

The Middle Schooler Meltdown. a breakdown of one child who seems to have little social skills for a 6th grader.

I could see it coming, slowly growing with intensity and purpose. That day they were walking down the street, making no movement to indicate they were intending to board my bus at any of the established stops. I assumed they were just playing hooky and didn’t think anything of it until the next day.

 That afternoon at the school, they got on my bus and immediately started blaming me for not picking them up! They said” why didn’t you stop for me?” I replied you were not at the bus stop, they said yes I was. I said, no, you were walking down the street a block and a half from the last and the next. They called me a liar saying they were at the bus stop! They were practically crying having had to go home and tell another lie about missing the bus. Their mother had to take them to school and she wasn’t happy about it they said. They blamed me to their mother. This was a mini meltdown and should have been a warning to me about them going for the full Monty a few weeks later.

A couple of days later they were are the store across from a bus stop and when seeing the bus ran into the street with out looking, then seeing the vehicle holding their hand up commanding the vehicle to stop. I had stopped, as they ran across and over to the bus pick up location. They got on the bus and just as they did, pulled the opener on a can of soda. I said stop right there, you may not get on the bus with soda. They said, Do you know how much this costs? I said no, but regardless the cost, you  may not bring it on the bus. They said, others have sodas they bring on the bus and drink them. I said maybe so, but the rule is no open sodas on the bus. Finally they turned and threw the soda can towards the sidewalk spraying a kiddo behind them new clean hoodie across the chest. They stomped into the bus. They have an assigned seat in the front because they have been being very abusive to those around them using profane language, a shouting voice, throwing things, eating, spilling on the floor and generally creating a nuisance. 

Of course, all their posturing got them nowhere with me except in that assigned seat for an extended period of time. I believe at the school I brought the topic up to the Vice Principal or vice versa. And we chatted about it and the fact that they were in contact with that ones behavior. Maybe I should read this to the school board and say, GT bus rider and this is how it is sometimes. I have chosen not to bring anything else to the school board because it is not my fight anymore. It has taken me an extended period of time to debrief from my frustrations about organizing people who are not interested in becoming a part of.

Chapter who gives a .......?

 4/25/20

 

I am feeling really spooky. I have been having visions of sorts this afternoon and evening. I see images that don't refract light like the regular images we see every day.

First I saw the dark man out of the corner of my eye in my truck mirror which happens to be stationary since I am parked at a friends much of the time in these days of the covid-19 stay at home.

Later, I glanced over at my right mirror and saw a face without a body. It was not just a passing glance or only cisible in the corner of my eye. It was a pale face which had very transparent thin skin and the bone of his head was showing through and the blood vessels were all visible. I felt a little dizzy and this is not the first time I have seen things and people who do not reflect light in the same way as normal objects do.

These images are not the first time I have had visions of this nature and I feel odd when I see them. A mood comes over me and I feel as though I am connected to another reality, even though I am plainly still in this one. So what is it that is happening? Am I seeing people from another reality? Perhaps I am spanning a dimensional rift and seeing and people are glimpsing me as I am glimpsing them. Maybe it is all in my head because of the new waxing moon. Maybe the moon has something to do with it. The moon has for centuries had a pull on our planet and as it comes into sight again with it's waxing, it is not to be neglected as it is always there. It is the sun which reflects on the moon that makes it appear and disappear. 

 

Finding my own truth! The continuing journey....

I have discovered traits about myself that disturb me. I have predatory instincts. I have found them useful in my work of driving the school bus and driving in general. My predatory instincts  have a positive use and I recognize that.  I am on more than 100% which is needed when driving.  It is a very effective tool, but being at more than 100% is exhausting over time. Driving the school bus is exhausting work and it is brutal! There are those that will tell you it is like driving a car, but it is not true for me.   Not understanding the pull of these instincts in the past caused me to hurt others and myself. Wow, what a revelation this is for me! These instincts seem to be connected to the hunter/gatherer self that is rooted deep in my being where the patterns of my behavior live.

I  have established myself as a loner for decades, isolating myself from trying to understand my feelings and that has contributed to my lack of understanding of who I am and what I am about.   My predatory instincts and my other feelings have caused me to make choices in my life that were not healthy or sustaining to my deep rooted spiritual connections. I have spent about 3 decades on and off attempting to recoup my spiritual path and have been fairly successful in doing so. Why on earth would all this be important to me? Because I have continued to struggle with my self acceptance over the last 5 decades, once I became self aware. It is important to me to understand the feelings that have propelled me to this point in time. This relates to that peeling of the onion that is described by some in 12 step programs and other self help situations. Mine has been a mighty large onion!

Let me point out I am beyond the blaming of my upbringing; finally!  I spent a lot of time blaming everyone else for my unhappiness in the past.  I am expressing my understanding of my feelings that have contributed greatly for the person I am continuing to evolve into. When I was growing up and tried to express how I felt to adults whether my parents or educators I was mostly not actively listened to.  Meaningful conversations about my feelings seldom came about. I heard more of don't worry about these feelings, they will pass or you can't be having these feelings;  you are imagining these things these feelings, they don't exist in my world, so how they possibly be real. This is what I continued to hear from others who were supposed to be listening.  

Almost all that I was told growing up left an indelible mark on me, a mark that has caused me much confusion and chaos about my own feelings. I grew up on the outside and instead of growing up on the inside and developing healthy choices I learned to insulate myself from others and instead become a bad example. My half hearted resistance that was caused by my lack of communication skills soon became full blown resistance and all I could do was be rebellious and disruptive! I was taught to do this by people who really didn't take the time to try and understand, but instead channeled me into all the negative categories.   All this why, because at that point in time, there wasn't the awareness that we have available today.  I stopped asking questions because I was made to feel bad for asking them. I felt bad because the answers I got were so negative. No one could seem to satisfy my need for answers because they apparently didn't understand the question and didn't know how to tease out more understanding. I have had to relearn to ask questions. It has been difficult and I can't always remember in the moment to ask a question I might have. Sometimes the question I should ask will come out as distant into the future as 2 weeks and I will have a moment of clarity, but the question is so far distant from the conversation, it is irrelevant.

Of course, I have a strong pull to a nomadic lifestyle which as I think of it matches my predatory instincts more closely than a fixed lifestyle where roots are established and built on. I believe that some past life experiences are rooted in whatever it is that tugs strongly on forming who we are. My feelings have never been fully understood by me and I wasn't helped to understand them in the past by my teachers. It was probably my parents responsibility to help me understand who I was and who I would be, but I never felt as though I had any guidance along those lines. It is only now in the future, when neither of my parents is around that I can see I was being taught some very good values that I have incorporated into my life.

My predatory instincts are still there and what I have discovered is discouraging to me, yet pushing me to investigate and understand who I am. In the understanding of my feelings, expressing them and exposing them to others here as well as myself a new freedom is emerging for me.  I have discovered I build unhealthy expectations about what is going to satisfy my predatory feelings. I pursue women who are unavailable to me, either geographically or emotionally. I don't follow the societal practices of communication because I haven't spent enough time or learning in my earlier years how to do those things. Instead, I have pursued them in the physical sense because of the adrenalin that excited me. I was confused about my feelings and confused about what love is. I would use the word love because I knew that it was powerful and would invoke strong feelings in the women, would cause them to feel strongly about me. (is this a sexual inventory? I don't think so, it is much deeper than that) Of course, I had little understanding of consequences, little understanding of what love is. I am now getting understanding that was delayed for so many decades when I should have gotten it.

I now understand and have some what is that emotion? I feel some regret for the two women that I new whom I loved and could not pursue because I didn't understand at the time. Too, impulsive I was and to drunk most of the time. Only as I  out that fog and stupor of addiction did I become to realize I had been in love and loved and let them both slip away!

Building a good foundation when developing through childhood and into adolescents and then adulthood is very important and I went from childhood to adulthood without developing that foundation. Because of that, I have had to wade back through my earlier feelings and actions that hurt people along the way, but most of all harmed myself. I harmed myself, because I was told I would amount to nothing. I set about proving them right. The weight of my guilt for actions that harmed me and others was huge and colored my actions so thoroughly up through my 20's and into my early 30's that I couldn't tolerate the negativeness of it any more. I slowly got a picture that change was necessary and I needed to stop the feeling of being the martyr.

"Existence, nothing but existence"

What is a sentient being, what is a question, what is life, what am I. I must be, suddenly! The sound, what is sound? What is what? Can an inanimate entity have feelings. Imagine, what? We are not forever, but it may seem so for a span of time.

It may seem we are a being, why? We are here now unless we are not. What is and what isn't in my reality. What is reality?